it's become summer

this weekend is memorial day weekend. we watched all of spring happen from the confines of our apartment, which honestly has always been a dream of mine. we've been so present for this season of transition, which somehow is perfectly fitting for the world slowly moving into a new version of "normal" post-covid-19.

we normally would have been in michigan with alex's family for the holiday weekend. we would have been enjoying coffee on the back deck in the morning, and making trips to meijer for snacks and dinner. we would have been packing coolers, filling water bottles, and grabbing books we probably wouldn't even touch. seven bulky bags and coolers later, we'd be hunting for parking at city beach in grand haven. we'd be giving thanks for the blue water, the warm sand in between our toes. we'd laugh about going in, and see who would actually dare. alex would, i would never. i'd watch golden hour from the hot tub with a glass of wine, listening to our niece laugh. these rituals have kicked off our summers for at least four years, if not more. we've missed being able to enjoy it this year - it's been so hard to go 10 weeks without seeing either of our families, and having a holiday weekend during the pandemic has certainly emphasized that feeling of loss and sadness.

but we tried to celebrate in our own way. on friday, we had a picnic in our courtyard with some vegan takeout food from a cafe in logan square. we distantly saw a friend and enjoyed a bagel and cookie on his front lawn. we hammocked in the park for basically the entire afternoon, and watched all the dogs and people go by. we made homemade mac and cheese, garlic mashed potatoes, and creamy coleslaw for dinner (because memorial day, obviously). but the city does this weird thing to us where, even when it's nice out, we still feel weirdly trapped here. like there's no path to freedom and openness. everything feels too small and contained. the lake is still blocked off, which makes the feeling of imprisonment even worse.

i've been trying to combat my feelings of sadness and despair with feelings of gratitude. i've never had the privilege to be home so much, and it is such a joy. we've had so much sweet time with lu and i can't even describe the dream come true that it is to have so much time with one another. i'm working on being present and savoring those things that make my brain exclaim "oh this is great!" whether it's a delicious glass of wine, the breeze or the sun on my face, or the ability to have a yoga class and say "and i get to do it again tomorrow."

gratitude and savoring are two of the habit pillars that i've learned about in the science of well-being (exercise is another). every time i have a negative or "complaining" thought, i try to combat it with one of these two practices because you can't be upset and grateful at the same time.

we don't yet know when we'll be able to (or feel comfortable with) traveling. this morning we looked at photos from the weeks leading up to our wedding as we are about one month away from celebrating our one-year anniversary. all we really want is to go visit our families, and take some kind of trip for our anniversary. as someone that is a planner by nature, i don't like the fact that it's a bit of a "wait and see" game right now.

this whole situation really is some kind of zen buddhism training. to learn how to be here now with no expectation of the future, and no wish to be in the past. it's about embracing the current reality for it's pros and its cons, both of which are plenty and polarizing. it's about learning to live in the middle of it all, riding the waves of the rough seas, and still smiling, with arms outstretched, embracing the fullness of the experience. embracing the days sunk deep in depression, and the days where you feel like life couldn't be any better. i've had so many of both of these kinds of days. when there are so many fewer distractions, and you are forced to sit with yourself and your experience, you feel closer to yourself somehow. and it's how you interact with yourself during those times that will either build you up or tear you down. i'll be doing my best to build myself up, and i pray that you are too.