happy vs. happier, or maybe happiest

how do you stay happy when you know things are good, but they could be better?

i’ve been grappling with this question a lot in the recent months. i remember a distinct moment probably about two years ago. i was a store manager at the time, and alex asked me over dinner one night what my long-term goals were. when i said i wasn’t sure at the moment, he was alarmed and confused. he didn’t get how that was possible. i knew i wouldn’t be a store manager for the rest of my life, but at the time i wasn't sure what my next steps were and i was content to just feel things out and see what manifested. this was a really beautiful sphere in which to exist, because i had no end goal in mind - i was literally just floating along, on the surface of discovery. i was more present in my reality because i was paying attention to everything both in an effort of searching, and because my mind wasn’t occupied by anything else either in the past or the future. 

now, after two years of hard work, i have somewhat defined short-term and long-term goals. and they are making me miserable. i realize that i do not know how to have goals and be happy with where i am at right now. i am not one to say “i’ll be happy when...” because i’ve tried that and it doesn’t work. but i am currently living in this mediocre middle space where things are just very fine. nothing is terrible, but nothing is quite what i want either. and no one tells us how to cope when things are just very fine - because it would seem that you don’t really have anything to cope with. 

but the fact is, when you exist in the mediocre middle there is a vicious cycle of torture. you want to take action, but aren’t called to urgently because nothing has crashed and burned yet. but you don’t feel excited, fulfilled, or as happy as consistently as you want to be. and that’s a problem. you also probably have a somewhat defined idea of what you wish your life would look like, but you can't seem to sort out how you'll jump from where you are to that other reality. sometimes i find myself wishing for things to go really wrong just so I’ll have a good excuse to make a change - how messed up is that? 

i know my happier reality is out there somewhere, waiting for me to claim it. but the exact details are still fuzzy. the logistics are still intimidating. and i can’t quite grasp the small steps i could take to get on that path. i keep trying to tell myself that universe will support me and steps will be revealed to me in time. often, we think we want one thing but with more time to mull and more time to have additional experiences, those dreams do - and should - morph and refine themselves. this adds an additional layer that makes it feel like i am shooting for a moving target. i keep reminding myself to be patient, grateful. if i ran full-steam ahead now, i’d surely stumble and struggle more than if i worked through things at a slow and steady pace - a simmer versus a boil. but i’m almost at my boiling point, brimming with anticipation. 

i am finding it hard to stay consistently motivated and productive in the pursuit. i want to work on things, and continue researching and learning and pushing myself, but there is only so much time in one day. i am no gary vee or casey neistat. i need time to slow down and relax: to go to the lake, to read a book on the couch, to cook a good meal and do the chores around the apartment. and i know that for every hour i spend doing those things, that’s a setback i incur that slows my progress. and that makes me want to grind to a halt. i often accuse myself of being lazy. i feel like i don't want "it" bad enough. but i don't even fully understand what "it" is! how can i work toward a half-baked idea? 

on my inspirational self-help and entrepreneurial podcasts, i always hear people talk about how it took them years to achieve their goals. and i get that things take time. i'm just struggling to cope with the time i have in between. i want to make the most of it - my mom used to always say "don't wish your life away!" whenever i would talk about looking forward to something in the future. and with my conscious goal of fully experiencing the present, i don't want to get lost in daydreams of the future. and the future is yet so undefined that it honestly makes me more anxious than excited to linger in those daydreams at all. so i'm in this ironic battle with myself where i think about the future in hopes of finding excitement and happiness, only to discover anxiousness and scold myself for being outside the present moment. 

i will be writing more on this topic as i try to parse out exactly how to live. it seems that people now more than ever want to discover what they have to offer the world - what it looks like to do, as cathy heller says, your life's work. people want to know what it feels like to build a dream from the ground up, and to succeed. to simply find a life worth living. i'm on that quest, and if you're on that same journey, let's talk about it.