without a doubt the scariest day of my entire life.

the other day, at work, i got a call from the irs. they told me that i owe them $4865 due to mathematical errors on tax forms for this year. they also told me they were calling only because i’ve previously never had a violation so they were giving me a chance to reconcile the issue over the phone. they gave me a arrest warrant number & case number. and told me that if i hung up the phone, or talked to anyone else, they would take that as a sign that i was running and send local police to my place of work. as a freelancer, taxes are my kryptonite. they scare me & i don’t completely understand how they work. i send my forms to my tax guy along with my expenses and he wrangles it all together & i get my return some time later. so hearing this news was my absolute fear manifested. i tried very hard to get an answer from this irs agent how any of this had happened with no avail. i was terrified. he told me that i could take it down the legal route but that it was my choice but that i’d likely spend the next 5 years in jail, if i couldn’t prove my innocence, which again, i was completely baffled that i was anything but innocent.  this went on for about an hour, which included me leaving work unannounced & walking to the closest cvs “where i could pick up my forms” to reconcile the situation. despite all of my fear, i felt something was weird. there were no signs that something was off. but i felt it. and just as that was happening, my mother called and i answered it, ending my call with the irs. i talked with her. she equally couldn’t figure out how or why any of this was happening. so i risked everything, i called the local police department and the policewoman on the phone informed me it was indeed a scam. - the whole hour and the hours after were humiliating. i was hurt. i’m still hurt. it sounds silly to say that i’m hurt from a phone call from a person that was trying to scam me but i am. i think this “evaluate and reevaluate” routine has done a lot for us but in this moment, it had practical application. a year ago, i, without a doubt, would’ve internalized the hell out of this experience and taken it out on the loved ones around me as a coping mechanism. but with this new practice, i instead analyzed myself and how i was feeling in that moment. i started identifying why i was so hurt from something so mediocre and foolish. I begin to think of it less in terms of what could i have done differently and more in what could I learn from the way that I handled that situation. The deeper I dug the more fear i found, a fear that i didn’t know i had. in the aftermath, i was still terrified that i’d lose everything moonbeam and i have been saving for. but what scared me so much is i couldn’t connect with this person, i couldn’t get them to empathize with me. i realized the reason i’m so blunt is that i genuinely believe in people, that they are inherently good. and so when i met someone whose sole mission was my connective antithesis, it rocked me to my core. for the first time, I truly didn’t feel safe about my future anymore. despite all of that, i was surprised that even when i felt powerless, confronting one of the biggest forces in the world, the american government , i still held onto my rebellious spirit by constantly questioning everything to a nauseating state. in summary, language is a very powerful tool and should not be taken lightly. i was absolutely and very easily brainwashed by these people into thinking i had no other route than the one they want me to take. the way you communicate is be direct, be empathic, and always look for connection. empathy leads to community which leads to gratitude.