changed my life.

during my weekend morning ritual, i was reading old passages from notebooks dating back 4 or 5 years ago, around about the same time hannah and i started dating. i was so young. 5 years isn’t a lot but the growth within this time has been more formative than any other in time in the 20 years prior. even just this last year, so much growth.

it's all contained in two notebooks, filled with words of real worry and sadness, scattered notes of nonsensical things, quotes from moments of confusion, “keep pushing. because you’re up there with the rest of them", sad boi garbage poems alongside equal collections of love notes, motivational takes, euphoric moments and regular sad boi poems. reading through all of it, i can't help but wonder why felt like that Now was the most Now i'd ever be. that my troubles then, and my happiness then was the most important feeling I’d ever have. the idea makes sense. context is relative. yet, that idea escapes us when we’re in the thick of a feeling, whatever that feeling may be. when we’re feeling a particular way, it feels infinite. but there is always a future, and in that future nothing is permanent. today makes a year of mediation for me. and I’m prouder of that timeline than anything I’ve spent these 25 years on. 14,600 minutes. 730 sits. I spent for it on myself, for the betterment of myself (and others). I feel more now, I am wildly different, I cherish the nothing and I don’t feel so stuck in me anymore, as if I’m constantly countering the myself to identify myself. my body feels separate. my mind feels separate. and I feel separate. I’m not as affected. it’s all a bit woo-woo, and sappy but I swear to you, it’s happening (and I don’t mean to rub it in, but you’re truly missing out). it’s been the most beautiful ride. and weirdly, I feel more human now. more aware of my humanness, more capable, and here, even when I escape and forget about it I’m more. more able to see my programming. I have a new affinity for consciousness, for now, for flow, and for the happy nothing. words are nonsense and can’t capture it accurately but I can say this... it’s not just a process to make you feel calmer, it’s a celestial experience. I’m free now. or at least I’m learning how to be free. truly free.

and in that way, I promise it’s worth trying.