be a better being by being better (or alternatively, this crazy man wants to tell you why he’s crazy

hannah left last weekend to be with her family for a few days, so i was left to my own devices this week. with no plans & nobody’s butt to touch, i took some time to myself, time to further question my values & re-evaluate them. pushing myself to ask why more often when it comes to my tendencies, and move away from the comfort of who alex donnelly is at this point. 

as creatures of habit, we all, myself very much included, have a bad tendency to take comfort in ‘this is how I’ve always done it’ or ‘this is who I am’ or ‘this is what I did last time’ when making decisions. my thinking is when these thoughts arise question them before taking action. find their motive then progress the narrative that’s right for that moment. 

in essence when we make a decision, we’re letting our my brain take old information from the past to motivate our present way of thinking, often pulling archives from early adolescence. it’s just easier this way. that and most of the time, this makes sense, like when we’re talking about a hot stove. the memory "don’t touch a hot stove" works. this information works as it’s a constant. you don’t need to change that behavior or rethink it because the circumstances will never change in which a hot stove won’t be hot. however, in most instances, this isn’t the case. 

example: hannah is the one that cooks in our tiny family. she’s a great cook. damn good. i don’t cook. i’m not good at cooking. 

but…

why don’t I cook?

why can’t I cook?

why do I think I can’t cook?

why am I not good at it?

why in the fuck do I think I’m incapable of cooking?

when I began to dissected this thinking I realized over time i just accepted i’m no good at cooking, because of that one time when i was 12 and i burnt the fuck out of a pizza. though that was likely a good lesson learned, i shouldn’t have let that behavior remain untouched for so long. as i began to live the lies i told myself. and now, here i am, 25 years old and i can't make myself a proper fucking meal, just because i think i’m shit at it*. rationalizing a behavior like this can lead to stagnant growth. particularly when we’re talking primary behaviors, or actions we do that we base our identity on. I’m talking about the subtleties of our consciousness that make us tick, make us who we are, our core beliefs. by identifying your core beliefs we can begin to find a way to replace them with non-limiting ones. 

but how? pretty simply. pay attention.

when you draw attention to your emotions, thoughts, how we make decisions (particularly in stress or while it’s happening) a separation between the thoughts and you begins to occur. your body is autonomous. it likes to be autonomous. but when we actively search, and ‘run manually’ (like deciding to breathe, instead of just letting it happen), the body opens up. when we stop, and analyze, we begin to realize the reality of the why. we find that maybe we don’t make the same decisions. asking why let the archive of your experiences choose the way you respond to things, here and now. we don’t need to rationalize these behaviors just because it’s gotten us this far.

another example: a bit more of a personal one. as hannah was gone, i had a weird feeling, one wherein i felt the need to reach out to my other people, like a default setting. she’s gone so i should call, text, reach out to my people. in the most beautiful turn of events, no one answered (for any number of reasons).

but when i finally took the time to analyze that feeling, i found it was one of loneliness. thick loneliness. an emotion i’m not quite familiar with. the deeper i dug the more i found that i have a hard time being alone, not because i’m afraid of my thoughts or anything like that, but because i’ve never given myself a real opportunity to know true loneliness. i’ve always had people around. or tried to distract myself with something. but alas, nothing. nobody around this time. so asked why further? and i sat in it. soaked in it. soaked it up. it was weird. it was a bummer. i saw a movie by myself. something i’ve never done. i really enjoyed it. was still lonely. 

but guess what? i’m here. i’m here now.

and i’ve grown just a little bit more. because i tried something against my “programming”.

the more I learn and the older I get, the more I realize the brain is really set in its ways. it knows what works. but often the nuances of these behaviors learned recently or in childhood are not right, just because they're the default, i.e, we let our partner do the cooking because we have become accustomed to particular way of life since childhood. we call, we text, not because we want to hear from someone but perhaps because we’re lonely and don't like how that feels.

all of this to say, maybe you’re a shitty person and maybe you’re not. but either way, you could be a better person, and that starts with you taking action to analyze your personality & being responsible for it, in every aspect.

*an argument can be made that cooking is hard. no, it's fucking not. recipes & cookbooks are pretty fucking easy to read.

side note: if none of this is resonating with you, perhaps you’re thinking, “i’m happy with me. i actually think some people close to me should try this. but i’m good with me as is.” and while i agree that more people should try this. i also believe no one is past the point of behavioral growth. if you disagree, i am sorry, I cannot help you.