a love letter to failure

creating on a regular basis hasn't always been a constant issue. 

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i really love following people's lives, through social media or otherwise. seeing their perspective on this or that and how they decide to tell those stories is really intriguing to me, particularly vlogs. absorbing some much content about people's lives that are not mine might seem like, at times feels like, escapism but it’s also, in the vaguest way, a way of expanding my consciousness. i believe viewing something from a different person's viewpoint opens yourself up to better understanding, similar to yours or not. and yet, creating something like a daily vlog or having a consistent blog at all always felt intangible to me. which is funny considering when i was young, i was always making videos, vlogs mostly. but all of a sudden during / after my formal education in filmmaking, almost instantly i stopped. i stopped making for the sake of making. if it wasn't perfect, or what i set out to make in the first place, it wasn't getting shown. this is a long way of saying i have a really hard time making videos now, including and especially the moonsenmasse vids. because i think what i’m making for others is better than what i’m making for myself and what i’m making for myself isn’t as good as I think it should be, so I don’t put shit out. that’s frustrating when I so wholly identify as an artist, and not a people’s artist, or a client’s artist, but an artist for myself "well okay, but what's your point?  where's all of this coming from, crazy man?" glad you asked. my second roll of film, first of B&W, from my konica that just came back. a roll full of beautiful moments, memories full of lifeblood (read about lifeblood here). and it came back like this.  

it may not seem like much, and to some it may be beautiful in its imperfections, maybe even more compelling. but these memories were really important to me and waiting for this roll to come back was something i very much was looking forward to. we were going to frame these.

 "then you shouldn't have shot it on film" 

hold up disembodied voice, don't dismiss film just like that, but maybe you're right. i could've shot digital and had every one of these frames exactly how I wanted it to be, and it could've been "perfect" but it wouldn't have been a risk, challenge and there would’ve been no lessons learned. yet it is still here. it still exists. perhaps the solution to both of my issues, this film and my inability to make them is to give into the failures, embrace them as equal progress. to put it all on display. i am done hiding my ‘failures’ or the shit that didn’t make the cut, or the stuff that wasn't good enough. 

"so, what you’re just gonna post everything you think of now?"

no, a-hole, i'm just going to follow through more. finish what i started more often. some i'll explicitly share. some i won't but i'm gonna finish it regardless. 

here's to the first of many fuck ups.