i lost my dream job & found solace in nothing.

this last year, around about this time, i quit my dream job. 

- - - -

being right out of school, i knew the world wasn't kind to artists with BAs and I didn't want to end up pouring lattes, or selling GAP jeans to barely make ends meet like many of my peers,, but as i've always been told it's who you know.

looking diligently, i found everything lacked the proper luster. seemly out of the blue, the opportunity of a lifetime was essentially handed to me. somehow i had hit the jackpot and almost instantaneously, i was working with celebrities, flying bicoastal constantly, and working with brands i could've only dreamed of. i was hired to make content for global brands with the promise of salary and day rates on top, alongside people branding themselves as the 'we take care of our own first' type. we would shoot anything down that got in our way of obtaining success. in the interim, i felt truly blessed and optimistic as i was keeping busy even though the the money wasn't coming, but i was constantly assured that would soon change. that bliss would come. i told myself time and time again,

this is how it works

you put in your dues

and it'll work out.

you just have to put the work in.

i spent months telling myself this. then months became a year. gigs and shoots were still coming, and i lived like a king on the 'company's' money but when i returned i had nothing. dues turned into past dues.

then suddenly, it stopped altogether.

i stopped getting calls from them, they stopped picking up when i rang. everything ended in a screeching halt and i was at a loss. a bit shell-shocked. what happened? and what did i do? what was I to do? what was the purpose of all of that work?  i had put in all of this time and now i was broke with nothing to show for it. I was creatively spent from a year of hard hustle & broken promises. i was tired. emotionally drained. and falling apart. i've never been so clouded with fear, i didn't know what was up or who i could trust anymore. i kept spinning, thinking what the fuck was i supposed to do now? how could i have been so stupid and not realize it was smoke and mirrors to get me in the door? it was like i had failed and began living in the wrong reality. i asked for help from those close to me but felt alone, disappointed in myself and all & all, helpless. i couldn't see clearly. all i could see is i had had a key to my desired future, a true place to the life i've always dreamed of and very quickly, it died & was taken from me. i felt blind.

i had no taste for any of my passions. i could barely afford a single cup of coffee. numb, i stayed at home, and a vicious cycle brewed: with no money, i did nothing; as i did nothing, i became more fixated on my anger & sadness; my emotions led depression; that numbness, kept me home and i lost opportunities and continued to have no money.

i didn't know what to do with all my pain. i pushed it onto others.

and i lost myself.

then in the what was likely the worst of it, moonbeam, god bless her, grabbed me

and hit me with a metaphorical 2 by 4:

you need to keep pushing.

you're up there with the rest of them.

they just don't know it yet.

don't let your fire go out

you still have much to give.

and then i woke up.

two weeks later, i found a new job, new friends but i was still living with my scars and having a hard time getting over them. nothing is perfect.

the beautiful irony of all of this mess is it stripped me down to my basic human core. 

i've thought for so long that my dreams of being an artist were my own. my ultimate quest was to 'make it' by working hard and the money would flow and it'd get easier. i've lived in that reality for so long. then after all of this, i didn't know what i wanted anymore. where did i go wrong? why be an artist? i had to rebuild from my absolute foundation. 

fast forward,

a year and some change later,

i got a teacher. i took a course. got a mantra.

and now every single day, twice a day, i mediate.

I am only now truly getting over that scar tissue.

as i settle into mediation now, i know that path previous is frivolous 

we can have everything, or nothing and everything in between.

what matters is what you can give to right now.

when i was living like a king, i couldn't wait for the future.

to be living the dream.

when i was living blind, i couldn't think of anything other than the past.

waiting for that dream again. 

we are not living in a dream,

nor will we ever be

nor should you want to.

dreams come and go. they start and end.

i choose now. i choose life. i choose truth.

i choose right now. nothing else.

- - - -

i prefer nothing unless it is true.

- plato